Anonymous asked: 2800 calories in a day? Aren't you gaining weight??
Yes. I am expanding by the very second.
The button has popped off my jeans and holes are tearing in my t shirt as it struggles against my growing stomach. My clothes are stretching and stretching and - oh wait, they’ve ripped to shreds. My flabby body is now completely nude and wobbling like a jelly.
The sofa is sagging under my weight. *creeeeeeak* *crack* did you hear that? That was the woodwork collapsing under my colossal thighs. The floorboards are groaning under my weight, which I now estimate to be around half a ton. Oh. Wait. Make that a whole ton.
My body is now the size of the whole room, pressing aggressively against the walls and doors. Help! I have nowhere to go from here!
My belly is ramming into the windows and they smash outwards. I’m now spilling out onto the street. Drivers are abandoning their vehicles and the kids who were playing on the pavement have run inside screaming.
Police sirens wail down the road and helicopter propellers are throbbing overhead. Firefighters approach the building, but they’re too late. The roof has burst open and my limbs are sticking out of all entrances. I am wearing the house like a summer dress.
There have been fatalities! My car-sized foot has crushed a family of four beneath its staggering weight! But alas, the police cannot arrest me, for they’d need handcuffs the size of an Olympic athletics track to detain me!
Hurrah! The bricks and mortar encasing me have finally given way! Bricks and slates spray all around me, taking down the swarms of FBI agents surrounding the perimeter.
I start down the street, trampling cars and children, flailing my arms into skyscrapers which collapse into piles of dust and rubble.
Godzilla comes storming after me, but he is no threat, for I now weigh eight hundred tons. I bitchslap that green bastard out the way and hear a faint moan of defeat from his toothy mouth.
BUT WAIT. My skin has no more elasticity! My organs are the size of apartment complexes! How much longer can this-
BOOM. I explode, showering the people of England in clumps of inflated flesh and bone.
The funeral was a small, intimate affair. Very moving. There was only one speaker: my grieving mother.
She said: “I sure wish the human body knew how to handle an extra 800 calories every once in a while.”
I totally remember watching this as a kid and thinking that looked like the most delicious biscuit/cookie in the world
when in reality was’t it a ritz cracker dipped in water?
THAT’S CREME A LA CREME A LA EDGAR YOU IGNORANT SWINE
every so often I sometimes get a mug of milk, add a splash of vanilla extract, a spoonful of sugar, and a sprinkle of cinnamon and heat it in the microwave and have it with Ritz Crackers and pretend it’s Creme A La Creme A La Edgar and it’s seriously just the best.
I JUST MADE THAT MYSELF AND AM CURRENTLY HAVING RITZ CRACKERS WITH IT AND LEMME TELL YOU THIS SHIT IS DELICIOUS
SOMEONE FOUND THE RECIPE TO CREME A LA CREME A LA EDGAR
I also always thought this looked amazing. Like, really amazing. So weird. Haha.
My body is not the one glamorized by magazines and movies and society.
I have a stomach pouch. My thighs jiggle and touch. My butt is covered with divots and crevices. My arms have more flab than I’d like to admit.
But it’s my body. And it’s capable. And strong. It lifts 200 pounds and sprints across the softball field. It helps in writing and solving all my math problems. It transports me everywhere and anywhere. It is the house I live in. And it’s time to start showing it the respect and love it deserves.
fuck i hope i look like this
I am truly flattered that you find my body goal worthy.
However, the point of this post was not to show off my body, but to continue the long process of loving my body. I truly hope that you begin this process as well, as it is more rewarding than most anything else. Sending love and inspiration your way 💛
The odds of being attacked by a shark in the US are 1 in 11,500,000, but no one gets mad at people who want to avoid the ocean.
The odds of a woman being sexually assaulted in her lifetime are 1 in 6, but if she doesn’t feel safe around strange men she’s a stereotyping bitch.
Strange old world we live in.